Distributed Cache service won’t start / stuck / erroring

The Cache with 1,000 names AKA the SharePoint Distributed Cache AKA Hell

  1. If you ever have a problem with your Distributed cache | Windows App Faric 1.0 or 1.1 | Cache Cluster | Windows Fabric Host Service | App Fabric Caching Service | SPDistributedCacheServiceInstance | Velocity Cache | DataCacheFactory | DistributedViewStateCache | AFCacheClusterConfiguration | SPDistributedCacheService | CacheHost | AppFabricCachingService | FeedCacheService | FeedCacheClient | SPDistributedCacheClusterInfoManager | CacheClusterConfig and yes I am missing at least a couple more! Or, because of one of these, your having trouble with your News Feeds, Can't Start or stuck starting your distributed cache in central admin, and or you're getting one of the 600 other errors that can be caused by this giant pain in the ass that doesn't know how to start itself, update it's own registry keys, config files, or even garbage collect

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